back??

SMELLO!!!

umm i dont really know what to say except that i havent been on xanga in months and i miss you creeps!!!!

and i'm going to start updating here more frequently becauseeee i need to be less disgusting

    so yesterday i smoked a shitload of beautiful weed and got the munchies HORRIBLYYYY... i ate more than ive ever eaten in one day!!!!! i think. well it was disgusting.

so far today ive only eaten a bag of cheez-its which was 120 calories.
and thats going to be the only thing i eat ALL DAY. i say!

    basically im disgusting and need to do SOMETHING because i eat soooo much and i dont exercise AT ALL because of the lack of dance in my life. ive gotta gotta gotta stop eating. i dont really have a choice...

FROM NOW OOOOOOONNNNN:

-i must do 50 perfecto crunches everyday and other various exercises
-only eat 500 cals a day and if i go over i have to purge. which i hate doing. but its necessary, im disgusting.

    i havent even attempted putting on the pants i wore when i was skinny since like october. THATS NASTY. im too afraid to even see if they fit. i hate my fucking selllllfffffff.

hello bitches.

WHO WANTS A FASTING PARTNEEEEERRRRR?!?!?!?!?!? because i do.

so CAN I JUST SAY that im extremely upset its just that the weather is so beautiful today its put me in a good mood.

    my parents are not letting me dance for 3 months because i have to prep for the SATs. that is the biggest load of shit ive ever heard. do they think im stupid? ive never heard of someone doing that before. im so pissed off about this i cannot even convey how angry i am. so just know that i cannot even look at them.

    they do not understand the concept that i cannot quit dance for 3 whole months and return with the same talent i left with. 3 months is fucking JUNE. ive already suffered PLENTY after not dancing for a week. I HATE THEM. i have cried every day for the past week. i need to dance. it is who i am. i have worked so hard for it to just STOP. and when im allowed to dance again i cant go back with my old studio. im just so hurt by it...i cant believe they would do something like this to their own daughter. IM CRYING RIGHT AS I WRITE THISSSS. how gay.

intake today was horrendous but i am not going to eat anymore i can tell you that!!!

-1/2 a grande marble mocha macciato
-cranberry orange muffin (seriously what the FUCK was i thinking???)
-french fries (oh my god)
-hot fries

i am guessing this totals to about 1000. how could i eat that much already?!?!? IM NOT EVEN GOING TO BURN IT OFF DANCING BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING PARENTSSSSSSSSSSSSS. SKDJFSDKJF

haaaave a great weekend.

HELLO!!!!!!

ummmm soooooo today i suppose i shall start with my intake!

3 DIET PILLS AND ONE 90 CAL BREAKFAST BAAAAAR!!!..and a mini chocolate egg. so im thinkin 110 total?! YES I THINK SO!

yea im gay. taha!

warning:long freakin ass post!!...please read it though because i need some serious advice!!! thanks poopers!

    after a lot of consideration i've decided that i want to have a meeting with my dance teachers. preferably today. i'm seriously depressed. and for once in my life i don't have a problem admitting it because it's so blantanly THERE. i dont think ive ever been so inactive in my life! All i do is sit on my ass and sleep!! its weird and i dont like it. surprisingly.

ive missed about 9 hours of dance...shit.  shit shit shit.   i feel like shit.

    i feel useless. i feel fat. i feel tired 24 FREAKIN 7! apparently my dance class has started a new lesson...double shit. god dammit. my life has been falling apart so horribly this year. ive pinpointed the reasons dozens of times but still  have yet to fix them. im just not motivated for ANYTHINGGGG!!! recently (before last week's drama) i have been resenting going to my dance classes...but now that its gone im DYING to get back into a studio!!! all i want to do is frickin plie!!!

    HOWEVER! my insane desire to dance does not mean that at the meeting with my instructers i wont be standing my ground. i am going to tell him exactly how i feel and get a lot off of my chest. i think all of the resentment built up inside of me and words unsaid to HIM is partly why ballet has felt like a chore recently. if he stands his ground and says im horrible and i owe him a huge apology and that he did nothing wrong i dont know what to do...should i say thanks bye and leave? or should i just say "ok so we can agree to disagree..lets talk about ballet now". i dont know. because i was seriously upset about what he said and did. i cried allllll wednesday night and thursday night...it feels like im upset all the time. i dont think i can just forget it and pretend like nothing happened! On friday i went to the mall after a party to pick up my friend after ballet (the studio is right next to my mall so she got a ride there), she handed me my pointe shoes which i left at the studio the night all that drama happened and i just burst into tears. i dont want him thinking he has that much control over me that he can treat me like shit and it will just roll off my shoulder. im sick if it. he told my dad that "this has been building up for a long time." well, it's been building up for me too. i cant handle him calling me fat all the time, yelling at me if i breathe wrong, favoring  a couple students over every single other dancer. he screams at us all the time, reiterating the same things...and sorry, but i'm a juinior, this is the most stressful and important year of my high school career. it doesnt help that i have zero time to do my homework because i dedicate my life to ballet. I'm not going to be professional, ballet is not whats going to get me into college, grades are. yet, if i lessen my dance scedule at all i know that he will tell me i'm not dedicated and i'm just wasting my time. i hate how he has acquired so much control over me. The point of saying all that is that i have been stressed out so the point where i have been close to yelling at him numerous times and from what he says this has been occuring the same way for him. even though he freely grabs at the right to yell any chance he gets. Everyone said that when they heard me yelling "I'M NOT PAYING FOR BALLET ONE!" they were shocked because no one ever has the courage to stand up to him. and im kinda proud that i did!!! i dont know what to do... please  help!!!!!

so next topic...

    eating is going well i suppose? im trying to keep my intake under 500 calories for as long as possible. i cant be doing shitty at school, not dancing, AND fat. i'll go crazy.

soo..please comment with some advice on my little predicament!! your comments on the last post were all so sweet i almost cried!! haha i told you im unstable!!! love you all.